Wednesday
Not enough hours.
Dear Diary,
I didn’t think I’d get to check in today – it was one of those days. Not enough hours. I’ve had partners in the past who think it is such an easy job to do the housework, take care of the kids and keep the whole household going. But they weren’t the ones doing it – so how would they know? Caring for kids and a household is serious work.
Right now, I’m 100% focused on my kids and giving them the best lives they can have.
Sometimes I think, though, there must be more to life than always caring for other people. Who am I in the middle of all this? Even though we have our beautiful home now, the trauma of being homeless and having to live in ‘survival mode’ kept me from thinking about the future. Not just the kids’ futures, but my future too. I don’t want to have regrets later in life. I want to keep improving things. I’ve been thinking recently about going back to work or education. But it terrifies me. The thought of starting a new job or a course with people I don’t know, and all of these expectations on me … it makes me feel so anxious. What if I commit to a course and have to drop out because something comes up that I couldn’t anticipate? What if I get a job and get sacked because I have to take so much time off when the kids are sick? What if it’s all too much for my mental health and I can’t be the mother that the kids deserve? So many things could go wrong. But then I wonder: What if things actually went well?
Talk soon,
Faith
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