Thursday
It feels like a seed has been planted.
Dear Diary,
I’ve been thinking a lot since yesterday. It feels like a seed has been planted. If I try something new, so many things could go wrong. But what if things actually went well? I guess I’ve had so many negative experiences in the past that it’s hard to shake the anxiety. A few years ago, I started working again because I had this constant worry about whether I’d be able to manage if something unexpected came up. I was a healthcare assistant for an agency. They expected me to do shadowing and unpaid training, while still having to pay for transport and childcare for the kids.
I felt exploited. I was doing the work, but I wasn’t being paid for it.
In the end, it wasn’t worth it. Whatever money I earned, I spent on childcare. Often I still had to have someone collect the kids from school and bring them to their after school club, so the stress of it all was too much and I left the job. I worked as a cleaner for a while because I could do the odd couple of hours and work while the kids were at school. The downside of working around my own hours was that I wasn’t guaranteed a certain number of hours per week, so it was impossible to depend on this for steady income. Then I had my youngest child and now I only have three hours a day free while he is in preschool. This is my window of time to do all the cleaning, wash the clothes, do the shopping, run errands and whatever else comes up. It’s exhausting.
It all boils down to childcare. At the moment, I feel stuck because I want to provide for my family as best as I can – but I have to accept that the circumstances I find myself in are beyond my control. I also worry that if I start working full-time, my landlord could increase my rent and I could also lose my medical card. With kids, you never know what’s around the corner, and having the medical card is a safety net in case something bad happens. So I’m scared to take this chance.
But I also want to do something meaningful to me, something I am passionate about. I want to be a good role model for my children and show them that they should pursue their dreams. I want to show them the value of hard work. I want to aim high, but I know I have to start at the bottom of the ladder again.
Talk soon,
Faith
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